But Am I?
I have a new label – a new nametag if you will. Over the past two weeks, I’ve been told four times that God sees me as a “warrior.” And this isn’t the first time I’ve been told by spirit-led people that this name has been spoken over me. But, just as before, I struggle to accept or believe it.
The name “warrior” seems to come to me after great spiritual warfare. (I know this is a subject a lot of Christians shy away from. But for me it’s simply a part of my life/walk and has been since I was about 13 years old.) After, or occasionally during, spiritual battles someone of great faith whom I admire will look at me and say, “God says you’re a warrior.” Usually this is said to me without the other person even knowing the battles I've been fighting in the dark of night. When it's said, it shakes me to the core every time.
It feels like such a heavy word, this “warrior” title. It carries with it great expectations in my mind. A warrior, a soldier, is one who continually fights for those who cannot fight. A warrior stands strong in the face of great distress, of darkness and gloom. It stirs up memories of all the war movies my dad and brothers used to watch growing up, of men giving up everything on the battlefield, being broken and bloodied for the cause, scenes of bombs and guns and destruction all around. And yet the warrior is still standing in the midst of it all. Is that who I am to You, Lord?
I struggle with this title for many reason, the greatest being that I don’t feel strong – ever. Do I find myself in spiritual battles? Yes. Do I know what I’m doing when I’m in them? NO! Do I feel like I’m fighting for others who can’t fight? Yes, most of the time. But do I feel like I can stand through it all? Or that I’m going to even survive the fight? No. I usually just feel worn out, beaten up, and begging for Him to tag me out of the fight – to tag someone else in. Is that what a warrior does? …. I don’t know.
Maybe my problem isn’t the word itself, the title of “warrior”. Maybe my problem is the image, the definition I have of a warrior in my own mind. What does God say a warrior is?
“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might…” Ephesians 6:10
So God’s warrior isn’t strong in his/her own strength, but in His.
“Therefore, take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all to stand. Stand therefore…” Ephesians 6:13
God’s warrior stands only because he/she is wearing God’s protection, His holy armor.
“Blessed be the Lord, my rock, who trains my hands for war, and my fingers for battle.” Psalm 144:1
God’s warrior doesn’t have to know what to do next. God will train him/her for the battles before they come.
“For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God.” Romans 13:1
The warrior of God knows where their authority comes from – from Him. He/She knows they have no power apart from God. By His definition, by His standards, am I a warrior? Am I willing to simply listen and obey His commands? Yes. Am I willing to stand in His strength? Yes. Do I believe I am standing in His armor, by His strength, under His authority? Yes. Am I willing to fight simply because He says to fight? Yes. So am I a warrior of God?
I’ve written the name on my hand, “warrior” sketched in black ink across my left hand, to remind myself that this is what He’s spoken over me. And I am slowly allowing this identity to sink into my heart and mind. Yet, I still fight my own insecurities around this word and my own fears of what this means for the rest of my life, the battles to come. One day I hope to embrace it loudly and securely. But today, I’m proud to simply wear it across my hand and "speak" it aloud here.
He calls me warrior.