Vulnerable time again.... please bear with me. I'm not accustomed to this level of openness, but I know He's working in me and I feel compelled to share it in hopes of helping others who struggle as I do. So here we go:
Honestly, when I feel shaky and unsure the last place I want to be sometimes is at church. I feel like people at church see right through me sometimes and I don't want them to see me crumbling. I know that's the best place for me, but sometimes it doesn't feel like the safest place - as it should be - and safety in my emotions is a big thing because of all God and I have walked through in this life already. The Church should be the place where broken and weary people feel the most safe and free. But, let's be honest about it, as Christians we think we have to be put together, especially at church. Whether we intend to put this vibe out or not, it happens.
So today, as I'm trying to find my way through so much in my own heart and mind, I honestly struggled to be excited about church. I knew it's where I needed to be more than anywhere else. But the internal battle going on in my heart would have deafened the strongest praise songs. It was only out of obedience that I went - the pressing on my heart to go and be with my Father was too strong. I couldn't tell Him no.
As the worship music circled around me and the oh so beautiful sounds of prayers and freedom echoed off the walls of the sanctuary, I found myself standing in the crowd - exposed and scared. I've not felt this weak, this out of place, this out of control in so long. It's all just a giant mind-game that's encompassing almost every thought I have. And all at once I was so dizzy from the swirling forces of the Spirit around me and the back and forth of the battle within me, that all I could do was sit, head bent, eyes closed, begging Him to help me.
And it was there, in His lovingly tender moment, that He chose to share a vision with me so intimate and unique that I still can't stop seeing it in my mind's eye. With my whole physical being bowed under the pressure of this life, I saw myself sitting on the ground, a crumbled mess. And I felt a soft hand on my face, lifting my eyes to meet His. And there I saw my Jesus, looking sadly into my eyes. He kept His hands around my face, forcing me to see Him, to focus on Him. The swirling chaos still surrounded me there, but He saw me. He sat low in front of me making sure I knew He saw me. He whispered loving confirmations over me in a language my mind didn't understand, but my heart felt so strongly. Every time I tried to see the spinning around me, He would so gently touch my cheek and direct me back to His gaze. And as I let His peace just begin to come into my heart, I looked down at His hands and saw the scars and my heart hurt to see what He had gone through for me. I touched them and He reached out and touched my scars. It was as if He said, I understand. I see them, all of them. I see them and they are beautiful. He showed me other scars He carried, smiling as He pointed them out. And then He would lovingly touch my scars and smile. He was showing me how these scars are like His scars. These pains and struggles are like His. And He saw them as beautiful, each one telling a story of our journey together, our walk closer with each other.
I was startled out of this vision by a sweet friend trying to lovingly comfort me. But I've found myself going back to this vision several times since. I'm still pondering it and letting Him teach me all the messages He has to show me in it all. I am still wrestling and trying to fight my own instincts to "fix" things rather than just sit and let Him led me through it. But this moment, this precious soul-stirring moment, is a beacon of light that I want to remember always!
How can He love us so? How can He see us so intensely and know us so intimately? How can He even compare our struggles to His; our "sacrifices" to His? I don't know. But today, I am standing only because of the fact that He does. And on the day when I'm running the race so fiercely again, instead of struggling to stand as I am now, I will remember this time and see His beauty in it, His love in it, His gentleness and love! And I will be even more grateful for Him! I will never understand the endless, compassionate, undeserved, unconditional love He has for me! But I pray I always know it's there, He's there, and He sees even me.
He sees you too, dear one. He loves you so uniquely, so gently. Do you hear Him calling to you? Do you see Him reaching out to you? Do you feel Him holding tightly to you? I pray you do. I pray you know just how special you are to Him. You are His beloved, His jewel, His. And there's nothing He wants in this world apart from being with you. I pray you know that.
Love always, Freudy