I’ve said this phrase so many times in the past couple of years that I’m not sure it even needs to be said anymore. It’s a way of life now. For better or worse, it’s a part of who I am. Can’t get to the store before they close because the friend that drives you has to work late? “Okay, I’ll make it work.” Can’t get the medicine you need until tomorrow because it’s not safe to walk after dark? “Okay, I’ll make do until then.” Can’t print that form you need because you don’t have access to a printer, and the printing shop is on the other end of town, and you don’t have money to pay them to print it…. (sigh) “Okay, I’ll figure something out.” Can’t get to church on time for morning rehearsal because it’s raining and you don’t have money to hire a cab?
You see where I’m going with this.
Truth be told, some days I’m really tired of making it work. I’m tired of sacrificing myself over, and over again. I’m tired of compromising and finding other solutions that don’t really fix the problem, they just hold it together long enough for me to make other arrangements. And I’m tired, so very tired, of not being able to complete anything in the timeframe I could in my former lifestyle. More than all of this, I think I’m mostly tired of having zero control over anything in my life.
I know it’s selfish of me to feel this way. And I know that all of this is par for the course in choosing to live this life. Giving up more and more control is part of the package when I signed up to “go” and serve Him. Please hear me when I say I don’t regret, not even for one second, that decision. It was the BEST decision (second only to accepting His salvation) of my entire life!! But that doesn’t make it any less of a struggle sometimes.
Honestly, I’m just so tired – emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and often physically tired – of making it work. Just once I’d like to have a goal and be able to reach it without a thousand little detours along the way; to run towards a finish line that’s not constantly moving farther and farther away. Just once I’d like to finish a project in one day, from start to finish, all on my own. And I’d love to feel like I can do something to take care of myself, even if it’s something small. And, to be 100% honest, just once I’d like to be able to do something that I want to do, not need but want, just for me and not for anyone else… just do something that’s all about me for once, and not about everyone else. Oh, how I want to go somewhere secluded and just be away from it all, just me and Him, to breathe and relax and refocus, and not need someone else to be a part of the picture to make it happen….. I desperately need this to be a part of my life. As much as I love helping people and being a part of what God is doing in their lives, every once in a while I just need a moment to be focused on me. Is that selfish? Is that wrong? Maybe. I don’t know anymore. It’s just how I feel.
I’ve never been a person that enjoys being the center of attention. So, I think I’ve always bowed to others in fear of the spotlight. And in some respects that attitude has been helpful in my life. But I don’t want to get to a place where I don’t even know who I am anymore, like I found myself last year. That’s not a safe place for me to be. I don’t want to lose all the work God and I have done together this year walking towards healing and restoration. And I think a part of that is learning to put myself first every so often. I don’t know, maybe I’m wrong in this thinking. But as much as I push myself down, time and time again choosing to ignore my own needs and desires, and as much as I give of myself on a daily basis, I can’t help but think there has to be some sort of taking for myself as well to balance it out.
As selfish as it is, I can’t help but think that if I just had a car of my own, I would have that control, that freedom, that ability to go and do that I don’t have right now. Just a moment of not being so incredibly dependent on others and so vulnerable to their wishes and their desires and their plans in order to get done what I need to get done. It sounds so selfish when I say it out loud and see it in black and white. But there it is…. I just wish I had a car! Two years, it doesn’t seem like that long. But, day after day after day of compromise and sacrifice and putting things aside until others can help me…. It’s a long bloody time! And two years of hoping and believing and praying that He will make a way, is such a long time! I still hope. I still believe. I still pray. And I still dream. But even in this, I’m getting tired.
I guess I’m sharing all of this to say, please help me. I can’t keep praying this on my own. I can’t keep holding this hope on my own. It’s getting too heavy. Please, can you pray with me? Can you beg with me? Can you help me ask our amazingly generous and loving Father to help me with this one thing? It would make a world a difference in my life, even though it will bring with it more expenses on the daily basis. I just need a breakthrough in this area, a little nod from above that He sees me, He hears my cries, He feels my burden and frustration and pain. Will you please pray with me for a car of my own?
Thank you!