I'm sure I'm going to be critiqued with this post because it's an idea I know many God-fearing, church-loyals disagree with. But I'm going to say it anyway.
There is a difference between the relationship God has with the whole/complete/undamaged child, and the one He has with the broken. There is a difference in how He responds to the broken, how He guides the broken, how He holds the broken. It's different. He's different. Because He knows His children well enough to know what each of us needs the most, what He can fill in our souls individually. So to assume that the God who only need to reach you through a song in a Sunday morning service is, somehow, not the same God who needs to get down in the dirt, face to face with His tear-streaked children and physically hold them to His heartbeat is absurd. I'm sorry, it just is.
The God I knew as a child, before the darkness snuck into my life, is so very different from the God I know now. And that's exactly how I'd expect Him to be!
Hear me with this, please. It's not that God has changed. He hasn't!! He is who He has always been and who He will always be! He doesn't change. We can agree on that. But what changes is the depth of understanding that only comes from being broken by this cruel and, often, evil world. There's a deeper understanding of what His love is, how powerful His peace is, how absolutely unending His pursuit is... truths that simply can't be found under the roof of a church sanctuary, but rather in shadows that creep in the night.
I know this doesn't make sense to those who haven't been in the blackness of depression or PTSD or extreme grief or abuse survival or any of the myriad of tortures the evil one loves to pour on the heads of God's beloveds. And I wouldn't expect you to understand what I'm talking about unless you've experienced it. But I need you to know it's true. There is a difference!
There's a level of this world that you can't simply "pray away." There's a level of this world that you can't have enough faith to make go away. But rather, your faith is built in the battles, in the fights, in the endless nights of prayers and peas. There's a richness in the light that rises each morning that is ONLY seen through the desperately tired eyes of the weary warriors, those who continue to mimic a "normal" life despite the lies that rage for power in their hearts and minds.
To my fellow broken ones, I see you. I feel you. I know. I don't need to have experienced exactly what you've experienced to know that the struggle is real. I don't need you to tell me your story, unless you need me to hear it. I don't need you to put on the mask for me or pretend you have it all together. I know you don't. I know the God you know. I know the depth of your story, the power hidden in your victories (however small they may seem to you). I know. I see it in your eyes. I hear it in your voice. I feel it in your heart. I know brokenness when I see it. You're not in this alone.
Have grace for those who don't understand. They've never had their bubbles popped. Forgive them for what they say in the spirit of encouragement. They don't know. Their world really is as simple as asking Him and He gives it. Your walk was that simple once before, as well. They are still living in their bubbles. Let them. We need to believe a world exists where bubble people occupy more of the population than the broken. So just smile, thank them for caring, and fight on.
God knows your journey. He knows what you've overcome. He knows just how extremely far you have come with Him. And He is so proud of you for going again and again. Don't let the precious ones of this world hinder the progress you have made in Him. That's not their intent. Nor is it His. They are simply a reminder of how much more of Him there is to know, how much deeper your soul can go with Him, how much more you understand than you once did. Take stock of your journey, dear one. There is great value found in the constant fight to hold onto hope. And there is a sweetness in your love for Him because of your tears. Be proud of this truth. Not all who walk this earth get the honor of seeing Him the way you have seen Him. It really is a gift. To the unbroken, carry on. Find God in every good in your life, every gift He has given you. Continue to reach out in love to the broken. We don't need you to always understand what we've had to learn the hard way. We just want to be loved, like you do. So just love us, even if you don't understand us. But please, save the sermons for the preachers to lead. The words will fall on deaf ears unless you've taken the time to sit in the mess and muck with us, the way God does.
